Silencing the voice

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‘You haven’t done the recycling?’ is how the argument started.

Well, maybe this time. But it could have been anything; ‘Where is the baby’s coat?’, ‘Did you phone the estate agents?’ or ‘Did you buy the baked beans?’.

Simple questions that provoke an extraordinary response in me. Tears, slammed doors and screaming often follow as he sits there in stunned silence. Or, worse still, tries to console me by putting his arm around me and whispering ‘Don’t be silly.’

You see, the trouble is, I don’t hear what he says.

‘You are useless.’ ‘You got it wrong.’ ‘You can’t do anything right.’

Strong statements with no room for discussion.

I’m not sure when I started hearing this but it has become a problem.

Over the years I have developed the rules; the right way of doing things. The right way to look. The right way to behave. The right way to feel. The right way to make others feel.

And, if it isn’t right, it is wrong.

It makes things impossible. It makes anyone else’s words hard to hear.

I understand that this is a clear case of projection.

So I have tried to start a different dialogue.

I have tried to quieten that voice that tells me I am worthless and I am wrong. I have tried to hear the words of others and to take away the power from the words I have been hearing for so long. To stop and to breathe.

Always to breathe.

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5 thoughts on “Silencing the voice

  1. I understand why you question if the contrast is in the dialogue. It’s not in the actual dialogue, it’s more in the narrator’s thoughts, especially toward the end. We don’t get to see more of the actual argument, so we’re left to go with what we’re given by the speaker.

    It’s hard to breathe when you no longer see your own worth. When you’ve lost your sense of self and don’t feel that you have value or that you can’t contribute, nothing anyone says can make you feel positive.

    There is a bit of positivity near the end. There’s a bit of hope.

    As for the mechanics, the structure is good. I noticed one typo (“quieten”), didn’t notice anything grammatically out of place.

    Nice effort. 🙂

    1. Thanks for the feedback (especially the typo – I really struggle with spelling and type on my iPhone which can be a help or a hindrance!)

      It was definitely a conscious decision to leave out the actual argument as I wanted to focus on the contrast in the narrators thoughts. I intended the dialogue to come from the internal monologue and how we are able to question our initial responses and rationalise a situation (the sense of hope I guess) but struggled to achieve this in a way I was happy with…it all felt a bit rushed and forced.

      Maybe something I go back to. X

  2. I love your candid writing style. You have a real voice that connects to something in me so it is almost as though you are writing about my own experiences sometimes. I know that other people have remarked on this from some of your other posts. I think not going into the argument in more detail was a good call, even though you piqued our curiosity! GO GIRL! X

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